


Step Back, Step Forward

by scatter



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Community: badbadbathhouse, Friendship, Gen, Jealousy, Subtext, Team Dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-26
Updated: 2011-04-26
Packaged: 2017-10-18 16:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scatter/pseuds/scatter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Souji is left to chat with Yosuke's Shadow after it re-emerges in a dungeon and Yosuke is knocked unconscious.</p><p>Naoto spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Step Back, Step Forward

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a [prompt](http://badbadbathhouse.livejournal.com/1990.html?thread=12388806#t12388806) at the Persona 4 Kink Meme: _So Team Member A has started denying something in his/her life again, denying it hard enough that next time the IT goes into the TV for training, BAM. Shadow time. Only the IT has ridiculous luck sometimes, and not only does the group get split up right as the Shadow emerges, Team Member A gets knocked out by another shadow. Leaving Souji (he managed to stay with A and finish off the smaller shadow) and Shadow!A with the awkward task of making small talk until A wakes up and they can get this show on the road._

In October, they added a new member to their team, Naoto Shirogane, and that meant going into the TV to train as they'd done each time their group grew. Naoto was excited, in a subdued way that threw Souji, now used to his friends' energetic displays, off slightly, at the prospect of being able to try out her Persona, but she held that her main reason was the same he considered most important – they never knew when they would be forced into the TV to save yet another person and learning to work together as soon as possible was the best idea.

"Who else is going to accompany us?" Naoto asked. The entrance to the Secret Laboratory loomed in front of them but she appeared wholly unconcerned with revisiting it, and had been the one to insist coming back instead of taking on easier Shadows in another dungeon. The only thing that suggested she wasn't as calm as she appeared was the needless rechecking of her gun, despite having done it as soon as they crossed into the TV.

"Yukiko," Souji said, deciding that he wasn't in the mood to take up the bulk of the healing, "and…" With so many people, planning who went with him had gotten trickier and the answer didn't come as quickly as it had in the past. Should experience count for more to make the battles go more smoothly or should he put extra stress on himself and take the ones who weren't quite as proficient as he would have liked?

"…Yosuke," he said, making up his mind to have a solid, well-experienced team in case something went wrong with Naoto in the party.

"Ah, lame." Chie frowned. "Guess I'm stuck in reserve then."

"Nothing we can do about Senpai's decision," Kanji said, and snuck a glance at Naoto's back. That was an issue Souji was going to have to work on soon – would Kanji be able to concentrate in battle or would Naoto's presence be a distraction that either made him push himself too hard or caused him to stumble?

But he'd found out more than once that trying to think about too many things just ended badly, so he pushed it aside for later.

"Depending on how well things go today, you might see some action," he told Chie. "If we don’t work out well like this, I'll come back and we'll switch someone out."

Yosuke joined him with a weak laugh and a slow punch to his arm. "Thought you were going to skip over me, partner."

Souji pushed his shoulder. "That ready to fight something?"

"Ah, well…" Yosuke shrugged. "Ready when you are."

The group said their usual goodbyes – "I'll be watching you, Senpai," from Rise, and the flirtatious tone caused Naoto to raise an eyebrow; "Beat some Shadows up for me," from Chie to Yukiko – and entered the facility. Souji led and he trusted the rear to Yosuke, with Naoto coming in third.

The first fight went smoothly enough; Rise already knew their weaknesses and at this level they weren't much of a challenge so Naoto was able to use a bit of everything to see the outcome.

Naoto, however, had an issue.

"Are the headphones advisable?"

"Sorry?" Souji turned to face her but Yosuke was already lowering them.

"What's wrong with my headphones?"

"It seems foolish to wear them in this setting," she said evenly, taking no notice of the defensive set to Yosuke's shoulders. "Senpai has given you the rear guard to prevent anything from surprising us, yet with your hearing impaired you lose a valuable sense and give yourself an unneeded disadvantage. In addition, how can you hear his orders in battle?"

"I read his lips," Yosuke said, voice tight, "and I know what a Shadow sneaking up on me feels like, trust me."

"And if he's turned away? You could miss a critical direction."

"Look, I manage fine. I've been doing this for months and it works out. If Souji's got a problem with it, he'll tell me, okay?"

Naoto looked to Souji. "It's fine," he assured her, and saw Yosuke's mouth twist at her decision to get his approval. "Yosuke knows what he's doing and the music helps him focus. If anything, taking it away would only hurt us."

"Ah." She faced Yosuke. "Forgive me; I was simply pointing out something that seemed off to me. If no one else considers it a problem, I won't object."

"It's nothing," Yosuke said insincerely, and put his headphones back on. "I'm going to go see what's around that corner."

Souji pressed his lips together. One of the downsides of new people working together: not everyone got along, at least not initially. Yosuke and Kanji had managed to work out their differences, though, and he had faith that this hiccup would be just that and pass quickly.

"Do you think Naoto-kun is right?" Yukiko said when Yosuke's attention was off of them. "She does bring up a good point and Yosuke doesn't usually take that position."

Yosuke was usually right behind Souji, but he hadn't wanted to put too much responsibility on Naoto so soon and didn't like having Yukiko trail back there.

"He's done it before, though, and it's going well."

Luckily, Yosuke's foul mood didn't carry over to their next few battles. If anything, he did better to prove Naoto wrong and while Souji was tempted to rein him so he didn't wear himself out, he let it pass. This was better than an argument.

"Are you enjoying yourself, Naoto-kun?" Yukiko asked after a fight. Her hair was out of place and her face flushed but she wore an excited smile and fanned herself energetically.

"Fighting for one's life can hardly be called an enjoyable activity, Yukiko-senpai. However," Naoto allowed herself a smile, "I do get a certain feeling of exhilaration from it."

Yosuke nudged Souji and drew his attention away from the two. "Hey, two Shadows in this room. What do you want to do?"

Fighting even one Shadow in an enclosed space was uncomfortable. Souji tried to avoid it as often as he could.

"Split them up."

"Me and you, Yukiko and Naoto?"

Souji hesitated – as leader he should be with their newest member – but these were nothing stronger than what they'd already fought and she was getting the hang of things with an ease that was enviable. "Sure."

"Kite it," Yosuke told her and looked surprised when she immediately did so without needing an explanation of the term.

Souji swallowed his annoyance and raced into the room ahead of Yosuke, stopping the second Shadow from following its companion. Yosuke was quick to join him and had barely gotten into position when there was a heavy thud.

They both whirled around. The door leading to the hallway with Naoto and Yukiko had shut itself.

Yosuke recovered fast enough to stumble out of the way of the Shadow's attack. "What the hell?"

"Finally," someone said. "I think splitting up's been the best idea you've had all day, partner. Best thing the group's done in a while, at least."

Yosuke paled and brought his knives up. Eyes on his Shadow lounging in one of the computer chairs, he didn't see their original enemy move and couldn't dodge the arm that sent him flying backwards into the steel wall.

"Ouch," his Shadow said.

"Yosuke!" Yosuke's Shadow was definitely the most dangerous thing in the room, but Souji ignored him in favor of diving between Yosuke and the Shadow that had hit him. It reared back for another attack, leaving itself open, and he took the chance to unload with his Persona, streaks of lightning making the computer terminals whine and spark.

Yosuke's Shadow watched and looked bored.

"Senpai!" Rise's voice cracked through the air. "What—is that Yosuke-senpai's Shadow?"

The Shadow answered. "The one and only."

Souji kept an eye on him as he knelt down and pressed a hand against Yosuke's head. "Yosuke."

"I'm out cold," the Shadow said, pushing the ground with his feet and twisting the chair from side-to-side lazily. "Damn that hurt."

Souji fixed Yosuke's glasses and continued to kneel over him protectively.

"Relax," the Shadow breathed, eyes on his hands as he ran a thumb over the edge of a knife Souji hadn't noticed until now, "I'm not going to beat myself up. Not now anyway. I've got to wait until I wake up."

"You're lying."

"Do Shadows lie? Think about it – it'd be easy to just…" He closed one eye and made a tiny cut in the air towards Yosuke. "…snip out the piece of me I didn't like right now, don't you think? But it doesn't work that way. You have to be aware of yourself to accept or reject yourself so I can't do a thing until I'm awake again. Except talk to you, I guess. That works because, leader, I've got some complaints about how things are being run lately."

"Senpai," Rise said, "what should we do? Naoto-kun says she can't get the door open, but we're all coming in to try and force it."

"That's all you can do right now. Until then," Souji paused and pushed on, "you can't listen in on this. Stop monitoring me."

"And leave you alone with him?"

"I'll be fine." Even if he hadn't been confident in his ability to face the Shadow, he would have said the same thing. If Yosuke's secrets were going to be spilled without his consent again, he wasn't going to let them be heard by anyone who didn't have to hear them. It wasn't fair – no one else had gotten a choice about who heard what they were trying to hide – but Yosuke would never live it down and Souji had to do what he could.

"Senpai—"

"Rise, please, think of how Yosuke will feel if you stay for this."

The Shadow listened with a little smile as Rise said, "I…okay. But we're coming for you!"

There was a disconcerting pop in Souji's head as she severed the connection between them. Eyes on the Shadow, he sat down next to Yosuke and moved him until his head rested on his lap. A quick glance showed him pale, and Souji moved his knives from where they had fallen so he wouldn't be cut. "You can talk now."

"Wow, thanks for the permission, boss."

Souji ignored the sarcasm. "What kind of complaints?"

"This whole adopting strays thing." The Shadow waved a hand and shook his head. "I don't like it."

"Strays," Souji echoed without comprehension.

"We just keep getting bigger," the Shadow said, "our group, I mean. Me and you, that was good; we both had to pull our weight, you know, we were both essential. If I went down, you were screwed, and when you went down, I was fucked. Even adding Chie wasn't too bad; meant you didn't have to focus on some Persona that could use ice, could switch it up every once in a while. Then Yukiko came and Kanji…" He narrowed his eyes. "It's all been downhill from there."

"I don't understand."

The Shadow grinned. "Ah, that's a first. Must suck not knowing something for once, but think about it some. When Yukiko came, suddenly it wasn’t so important if I healed. Kanji was another big hitter so he could replace either Chie or me, and then Teddie took out both Yukiko and Chie, and Rise took his spot on the backline. Now we've got another person in the group and who's she going to replace?"

"No one's replacing anyone," Souji protested, but the Shadow rolled over him.

"Doesn't matter if someone's sick now, there's always a person to take their place. When everyone's capable of doing what someone else can, we get a little less important, a little less valuable, a little less…" His mouth twisted.

"Special," Souji said into the silence, remembering Yosuke's embarrassed admission from weeks ago.

"That word, you're never going to let me…but yeah. Yeah, that's right. How the hell can anyone be special when we're all replaceable? Must be nice being able to…" He slashed his knife though the air violently and sucked on his teeth, making a noise similar to the one Souji heard when he was changing his Persona. "Means you'll never be kicked out the group, not when you can be anyone in the blink of an eye."

"Having someone who can support you doesn't mean you're replaceable," Souji said. "If anything, isn't it better to have a friend who can help take some of the responsibility off your shoulders?"

"Oh yeah," the Shadow, stretching out the last word until Souji felt foolish for his opinion. "I love being able to sit on my hands while you're crawling through a dungeon with Kanji in my place. Feels good to know that the group wouldn't even notice if I took a week off because Teddie's got the healing covered and you can buff yourself."

"That's not true." Souji's hands found Yosuke's jacket and clung to it. "We wouldn't just notice, we'd care. You know this, Yosuke."

"I know that before Naoto invited herself into the team, you used to look to me for ideas about the case. I came up with the theories, you poked holes in them, and we made something better together, remember? Now…" He leaned forward. "Now when Naoto opens her mouth, we hang over everything she says."

"She has experience in cases like this," Souji said. "Why wouldn't we listen?"

"Listening is one thing. Treating her like she knows every fucking thing is pathetic. Who's been on this case from the beginning, huh? Who's been with you in every dungeon and raking his brain to make sense of why Saki died?" He stood, and Souji checked that his sword was within reach. "Guess it doesn't matter. I've been pushed out of that spot now. Once we get everyone else you know in town on the team, I won't be important at all."

"That's not true," Souji repeated. "Yosuke, you can't be replaced."

"Load of sentimental bull—"

" _Listen to me_ ," Souji said, tired of hearing Yosuke talk about himself like this, and the Shadow shut up. "As a teammate, as a friend, whatever, you're always going to be important to all of us. You think Chie can act towards Naoto the way she does with you? Teddie's never going to look up to anyone as much as he does you, and who can I count on more to—you're always watching my back in battle, more than anyone else. I wouldn't feel nearly as confident if you weren't there."

The Shadow stared at him. Souji met his gaze for as long as he could but the unblinking stare eventually got the better of him and he busied himself with Yosuke instead, cradling his head between his hands. His color was better and if his pulse beat oddly under his fingers at least it was strong.

"You don't need to be in every fight or the only one we spend time with in order to feel like you're wanted. If you feel like this even after how close we're gotten, then I'm failing as a friend. I should have…" He pushed Yosuke's headphones down to make him more comfortable. "I should have known you were thinking something like this."

"Sucks to realize you can't see inside people's heads, right? To not know what your best friend's thinking?" The Shadow didn't look away from him. "Makes you feel like shit when you've got to drag the thoughts out of his head because he won't share them with you."

Souji tensed, recalling the many one-sided conversations he and Yosuke had engaged in. "I'm not good at talking about what I'm thinking."

"Then get good. You can't sit there and mope about me not sharing something like this when it takes me half an hour to get you to admit you're not happy about some—some trivial piece of shit that shouldn't matter between best friends."

Souji went cold and then hot, automatically wanting to direction the conversation away from himself, but he forced himself to continue. "I'll open up more if you stop thinking you have to play the hero and be in the spotlight in order for people to like you." The Shadow started to speak and Souji spoke over him. "Because you're already—"

Neither of them could hear each other, and Souji stopped. When he didn't continue, the Shadow asked, "I'm what?"

Souji dunked his head. "I'm sure you can figure it out."

"Going back on your word already." He stepped closer. "Come on, say it. You know, maybe I'll start pushing the others out of the way, make myself that much more—"

"You're already…" Souji choked on his words, almost too embarrassed to continue. He found himself unable to look at either the Shadow or Yosuke's face and settled for keeping his eyes on one of Yosuke's buttons. "You're already a hero to me, okay?"

"Ha." The Shadow's voice was flat. "You mean that?"

Souji couldn't say anything.

"I guess you must; you're such a bad liar, I can always tell when you're doing it. Me a hero, huh? Ha." The laugh came out less harshly, and the Shadow stared at his shoes. "That's…what a load of…" he trailed off.

The back of Souji's neck burned. "You said you wanted to know what I was thinking."

"Tsk." The Shadow dashed a hand over his eyes. "Hey, wake up, you're not fooling anyone."

For a moment, Souji wasn't sure who he was speaking to but then he noticed Yosuke's eyes were shut too tightly. After a moment, they opened and he looked up sheepishly.

"You heard all that?" the Shadow asked.

"Think I'm a hero, huh?"

Souji averted his eyes. "Yeah," he said quietly.

"And all the other stuff, the stuff you missed, he's going to fill you in on," the Shadow said. "Because we're going to talk now, right, partner? You're going to be an open book."

Yosuke sat up, one hand held to his head. "He didn't attack you?"

"We talked," Souji said.

"Talked with—about what?"

"He's not so bad, really. He's you so it makes sense I'd find some connection with him."

"Hey, me," the Shadow said. "Souji claims I'm important, that all this worrying about being replaced and becoming useless is just shit. What do you think?"

Yosuke's shoulders slumped. "So you know about that."

Souji held a knife out. "I wish you would have told me, but I understand why you didn't."

"Who wants to admit they feel like that?" Yosuke took it and stood to face his Shadow. "I thought I got rid of you."

"Tough luck."

Yosuke didn't rise to the bait. "I thought I got rid of all of that, grew out of wanting to be special and hoping people would like me. Guess I'm still scared, though, still… Fuck, I feel like a loser. Who faces their Shadow twice?"

Souji stood and put a hand on his shoulder, and Yosuke took a deep breath.

"It's still there, so I've got to work on it, get it all sorted out… Apologize to Naoto. So yeah." He crossed his arms. "You're me, I'm messed up, and I'm…not okay with that, but I'll do something about it."

The Shadow had gradually relaxed as Yosuke talked and he faded into black smoke at the end of Yosuke's acceptance, Susano-o rising into existence for a moment before disappearing.

Yosuke rubbed his head. "Can't believe that."

"Hey." Souji waited until Yosuke faced him. "I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Something like that can take over anyone."

"Except you."

"About that…" Souji worked his hands up and down the length of his sword for something to do. "I made a deal with your Shadow."

"Seriously?"

"He said you didn't like how private I was."

"That's not—" Yosuke caught himself. "It's not like that, but sometimes getting you to talk is like pulling teeth."

"I'll do better."

The steel doors whooshed open and the rest of the team collapsed into the room. To add to the general mayhem that followed, Rise and Teddie spotted them at the same time and tripped the others up in their enthusiasm to reach them.

"You're okay!" Rise threw her arms around both of them, knocking their heads together. "Senpai, you idiot, making me leave you alone! I was so worried about you two."

"Sorry, sorry." Souji patted her head and let her cling to him while Teddie latched onto Yosuke. "We're okay, though."

"Oh!" She scanned the room. "Yosuke's Shadow is gone?"

"Yeah. You accept stuff a hell of a lot quicker when Souji's around. Teddie," Yosuke said, stumbling, "lean off me, will you? I'm about to fall over."

"So it's possible for a Shadow to manifest even when a person already has their Persona." Naoto shook her head, clearing the thought. "I suppose we're done for today then? Yosuke-senpai cannot be in a condition to continue."

"We can stop," Souji said.

"No, I'll just sit out. There's no reason to put Naoto's training on hold because of me. I'll chill with Teddie."

"You sure?" Souji asked under his breath.

"Sure. I won't mind if someone covers for me. It's not like…" He gestured and Souji nodded, not wanting to say anything that might give anyone an idea of why Yosuke's Shadow had appeared. That was for him to explain, if he ever wanted.

"Then we'll go back to the entrance. Because," Souji said when Yosuke started to protest that he didn't need an escort, "I could use a break too."

The entrance was close enough that they walked back instead of teleporting, and the few Shadows that spotted them scuttled the other way rather than face such a large group. Yosuke kept pace with Souji for a bit but eventually slowed until he felt into step with Naoto.

Souji peeked back and saw him fiddling with his headphones. "I'm, uh, surprised you knew what kiting meant."

"I could hardly play online if I didn't," she responded.

"Wait, you play online games?" Yosuke's voice picked up in interest. "I figured earlier from all the science stuff that you might be interested but then…"

"I find it's a good way to relieve stress," she said, and named some game Souji had never heard of.

"Seriously? I've got that one too."

Listening to them chat about frame rates and job classes, Souji relaxed, and when they reached the entrance and he put Kanji in the party, Yosuke sat down without complaint and wished them good luck.

"Video games?" Souji asked Naoto as they reentered the laboratory.

"Computer games to be precise," she said, "and Yosuke-senpai seems quite knowledgeable about them. Perhaps I'll pursue the topic more."

"Sounds good." Souji looked at his group, each member equally important, and nodded. "Let's go."


End file.
